Theme

About the Author

Thinking Out Loud

Freedom Through Forgiveness

Wouldn't life be wonderful if we were never put in a position of having to forgive? That would mean that as individuals we would never wrong another, or be wronged by another. However, because we are human and God gave us this crazy little thing called "free will," it is in our nature to make mistakes, throwing this utopian concept out the window. Enter the challenge of forgiveness. It would seem that with Jesus' teachings of compassion, love and peace that the act of forgiveness should come easy. I believe it is probably the most difficult act for a human being and that the attributes of compassion and love are not separate from forgiveness, rather they lead to forgiveness resulting in peace and inner-peace. For me, the most important result of forgiveness is freedom: Freedom from the burden of pain another has caused, truly following the way, the prayer to "let go and let God."

Most of us go through life hoping we never have to personally experience what would be considered a real "tragedy." We all have problems, we lose people we love to illness and wonder why things happen the way they do. This is not to say that there is a barometer for one's pain depending on what kind of loss one has experienced. However, different experiences sometimes put us in the position of having to reach deep down into our soul, see what we are made of and come to realize what our relationship with God really is, or has been. I never believed anything tragic would happen where I, or my family would be faced with these challenges, but it did.

Our son Kyle was killed by a reckless driver on a beautiful, sunny afternoon in February, 1999. The thing that was so striking about this was that the day before there had been a snow storm, which resulted in schools being closed and people staying home from work. However, on this day the roads had been cleared and were perfectly dry. Kyle and his older sister Courtney visited me at my office here at Holy Cross and were on their way for a little shopping spree at the mall. About an hour later I got a call from the hospital saying they had been in a multiple car crash. Of course I rushed out to get to the hospital, not realizing it had occurred right near Holy Cross on the highway. They had just gotten onto the highway heading east, when a careless driver in the west-bound lane who was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic hit a box-truck so hard that it (the truck) catapulted into the air, across the median into the east-bound lane landing on top of my daughter's car. Both children were hospitalized. Our daughter was there for three days and Kyle fought for his life for 11 days. In that time, we as a family, our friends and our community were given the gift of hope, prayers and love that Kyle would survive. In that time, we not only prayed for Kyle. We also prayed for the person who caused this tragic crash. We were concerned for him and his family, and the pain they might be going through. Although we never saw him during that time, I feel that we embraced him with our prayers. No one who was there to support us showed any animosity or rage toward him. Our only concern was to put forth positive prayer and energy in hopes that Kyle would survive. On the 11th day, surrounded by loving family, friends and the nurses and doctors, Kyle died.

How were we going to survive this terrible tragedy in our lives? How were we as a family and a community going to respond to the person who killed Kyle? This would be the beginning of the journey to forgiveness and freedom. Of course, as we all know legal proceedings take time; in our case it was 18 months before we ever went to court. This turned out to be a good thing though, as it gave us time to heal (to some degree), discern and come to the ultimate conclusion of what the consequences of his actions should be. During the 18 months though, we chose to expend our energy memorializing Kyle through positive events such as sponsoring blood drives, raising money for scholarships and being there emotionally for his friends who had suffered such a loss. We chose not to subject ourselves to the many pre-trial court appearances the driver would have to make before the conclusion of our case, so as not to add to the pain of our loss. We did not want to be consumed by the thought of him and what he had done. We knew in our hearts we had forgiven him. If we had not, he would hold power over us and our negative thoughts would have created a prison for us. Sadly, what we did learn was that he really did not think he should have to be punished in any way and that he should be able to go on with his life, uninterrupted. He truly had not realized what an impact his actions had not only on a family but on a community. This was beyond comprehension for us! To forgive someone does not mean we have to or can forget their transgression or crime, or that there should not be consequences. What were we to do? We wondered what, if any relationship he had with God, and what was his understanding of "community?"

We embraced him with prayer right from the time Kyle was in the hospital gave us the ability to choose restorative justice in our case, rather than ask the court for punishment that would not be beneficial to him or society at all. Of course, the court imposes its own sanctions that fit within the criteria of the laws broken, one of those being jail-time. After much soul searching, deep prayer and conversations with friends and family...all of the above, we realized sending him to jail would only contribute to his becoming angry and breed hatred in him. One of my philosophies of life is that we either get better or bitter (through life). We did not want to be responsible for him becoming bitter. Rather, we wanted a way to help him be better. We knew he did not have a real sense of "community" because of particular comments and actions made by him and his family. The decision was to send him on retreat for one month a year over a three year period, coinciding with the anniversary date of Kyle's death. In this way, we were truly "giving him up to God" and providing a chance for him to be in a relationship with God. Perhaps he would come to realize, at least someday, the impact he had on so many people because of his actions that day. People often ask if we ever hear from him...the answer is no. We really don't feel the need to though, as giving him the opportunity we did was about him, not about what we might get out of it. For us, it was the way to forgiveness, the way to freedom.

In his book, You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey from Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy, James Blanchard Cisneros writes:

"Forgive your brothers and sisters and you will set yourself free. You will set yourself free from all you thought they did to you. They need not ask for forgiveness to be forgiven. They might even believe that there is nothing for which they need to be forgiven. That is fine. Do not concern yourself with how they choose to experience reality; for it has no effect on you, unless you allow it to..." (Cisneros).

I often pray and with some certainty can say, that I think we are living out this journey of forgiveness, through faith, love and compassion. It was compassion that allowed us to embrace this person we never knew, but who now forever has Kyle in his life and hopefully in his heart. It was our faith in God that gave us the hope and guidance to do the right thing. And, it was the love of family and community that gave us the strength to endure, and still does. These choices gave everyone a real sense of peace and empowerment (in a good way) that we had done something good.

When Jesus asked His disciples, "Who do people say that I am?" (Mark 8:27) they gave him many different answers. Then when he asked, "Who do you say that I am?" (Mark 8:29) Peter answered "You are the Christ." Jesus went on to tell them about the rejection, suffering and death he faced, which they had a difficult time accepting. I would submit that the disciples, who certainly believed in Jesus' message of love, compassion and peace, knew that accepting this message would now involve them in living the truth, including the forgiveness of their enemies. Although the journey to forgiveness can be difficult, the act of forgiveness can come to characterize our existence. For me, my existence within my own spirituality/theology if you will, includes three ideas: 1. The Kingdom of God is here and now-believing this should guide me in my relationship with others; 2. God is asking us to be authentic-I need to be truthful and real in my relationship with God; and 3. God is not the "cause of" what happens in the world-God means for life to be good (have you ever noticed that when good things happen we thank God, and when bad things happen we blame him?). The things that happen to us are first because we live in a physical world where we don't always have control of what occurs, and second because we are human and have free will. Knowing that I am only human, thus prone to make mistakes I pray to God every day for forgiveness of any transgressions on my part. Having the faith and confidence that God forgives me, I believe enables me to forgive from within.